Who here has ever been trying to conceive, and someone from the peanut gallery in your life says:
“Just stop STRESSING about it! And it’ll happen!”
“You just need to relax a little! And it’ll happen!”
“Just go on vacation and just leave your stresses behind you! And it’ll happen!”
“Just go and have a lot of sex and just like lose yourselves in each other for a night, and it’ll happen!”
Or how about the old cursory comment: “Wow, my husband just LOOKED at me funny and I got pregnant.”
…
Okay Tanya. Thanks. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT. I’m SO GLAD that your husband had super human sperm that were able to impregnate you with one stupid look. Also yeah maybe I’ll take that advice, because I really haven’t TRIED that whole not stressing about getting pregnant thing before. I thought the only way to getting pregnant was through an asinine amount of stress surrounding every single facet of this supposedly magical time in a couples’ life when they decide to grow their family. Yeah what a concept, I never thought of just letting go of the stresses of baby-making, especially the ones that involve that little voice in my head that relentlessly and insidiously all day of every day says:::
“You know … something might be wrong with you”
“Maybe having a baby just isn’t in the cards for you…”
“Maybe you’re just not meant to carry a child…”
“Maybe something is wrong with my husband’s sperm…”
“Maybe there is something wrong with US together…”
“What if something really IS wrong…”
“What if I’m missing something serious…”
“What if…”
“What if…”
“WHAT IF…”
Stress and trying to conceive a child is quite possibly one of the heaviest and hardest stressors known to women and men alike. Because when it doesn’t happen right away, or on our preferred timeline, or in the nature and or way that we want it to, on the day and the month and the season that we want it to, on our terms when we damn well want it to –
Our minds go to a very dark place.
And we are all alone in that place, save for that little voice and the black cloud of fear hovering over us incessantly peppering us with all these questions, reminding us that we actually have an inordinate amount of stress surrounding this issue, and the cloud of smoke that only fear and stress can leave behind in our darkest hour.
These well-meaning comments are about as helpful as a language book in German when what you need is a language book in Portuguese.
I’m going to say it louder for the people in the back:
WE ARE TRYING NOT TO STRESS ABOUT NOT GETTING PREGNANT YET.
We are TRYING not to stress about the prospect that something may be going on with our hormones, that may or may not mean a baby is not in our foreseeable future for the time being.
WE ARE TRYING NOT TO STRESS ABOUT THAT!!!
To the peanut gallery with a million and one ways to tell us to just relax about it all already, I lovingly say this:::
“For the rest of our lives (or as long as our quest to get pregnant lasts), assume that we are TRYING NOT TO STRESS ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT – and therefore do not need you to kindly and in your own loving way, remind us to not stress even ONE MORE TIME. Assume forever that we are not stressing, until told otherwise. THEN AND ONLY THEN, after we have sought out your support and 2 cents on the matter, is this a conversation open for discussion. Thank you for understanding.”
Any woman who has ever been trying to get pregnant for any extended period of time to no avail, DESPITE doing all the things, including:::::::
Having timed intercourse
Tracking her cycle like a crazy person
Checking her cervical positioning
Investigating her cervical fluid like a mad scientist
Looking at the ferning pattern of her cervical fluid on her undies every time she pees
Using those damned ovulation strips
Doing it in all the positions the old wives’ tales tell us are optimal for baby-making
Drinking all the fertility teas
Eating all the fertility foods
Putting all the glowy flowy mama baby loving vibes out there for the universe to recognize and pick up and ya know like freaking DROP A BABY IN HER UTERUS ALREADY –
…
knows how infuriatingly frustrating it is to be DOING ALL THE THINGS, and NOT be getting a positive pregnancy test.
This is one of the HARDEST elements of trying to conceive. And only the women who have ever been through it know just how hard, heart wrenching, confusing, annoying, and devastating it truly is.
I was this girl.
So if this is you, know that you are not alone, that I have walked where you are walking, that I have been in this exact boat of ovulation strips and timed intercourse and doing every single thing under the sun.
I know that knowledge doesn’t put a baby in your belly or anything right now, but I do think its helpful knowing that there are women who are doing it all right alongside you and feeling the same way as you. It feels less huge and heavy that way.
Okay so back to stress and TTC.
This is not a post for detailing x, y and z things to do to lower stress around trying to conceive. I have so many posts about stress and ways to lower it in general that absolutely WILL help you, your health, your fertility, and your hormones.
But this IS post about reframing our mindset around conceiving.
This is something I figured out about 3 years into our fertility journey, and I know everyone comes to their a-ha moments on their own time, but if I had had this advice like a year or so into our journey, maybe things would have been less stressful / more fun sooner? I’ll never know. But I want to offer this to you in case it MIGHT be a support as you pursue motherhood and growing your own family.
Reframing Our Minds Around Conception
What if, instead of approaching conceiving our babies from the vantage point of PURSUIT, ACHIEVING, GETTING IT DONE ALREADY, HUSTLING, MAKING IT HAPPEN, A MEANS TO AN END, we looked at it as an opportunity to make something welcome.
To ALLOW this new life to come in.
To move out of the way so that whatever is going to unfold, has room to actually … unfold.
To create SPACE for this new life that is on its way to us.
To embrace this new life with EASE, with PEACE, with GENTLENESS, with TRUST.
(I’m chuckling at the parallels here between that go do hustle energy of the masculine, and the easeful, fluid, receptive energy of the feminine. I did a recent post on this exact thing, give it a read for more inspiration!)
What if, instead of “trying to conceive” tonight (read: scheduled sex, militant adherence to the schedule b/c the app or the strip or the stretchy cervical fluid told us its time), we simply came together in love because it FEELS GOOD TO COME TOGETHER IN LOVE???
What if THAT’S how we looked at conceiving?
How would that change things?
How would that change the energy between us?
How would that FEEL to have sex with our partner from that place, rather than the place of “the app says I’m ovulating, so we are having sex tonight”??
I can tell you from personal experience that it feels really freaking good do it from that place.
It feels really good to relax into the act of love with my one and only in that energy.
It feels easy and relaxed and yummy and without an agenda.
Like there is no other purpose to this love making besides the sheer want and desire to make love to my one and only.
And showing up to sex from that place … oh baby. How it changed everything!
I’m not saying I “didn’t stress” about trying to conceive.
I’m not taking one from Tanya’s playbook and saying “just relax about it” already.
But I AM inviting you to shift your thinking, your intentions, your mindset just a little bit to create a baby from the place of ease and allowance and relaxation.
It was only a matter of time before our little bub came into being. Was it ONLY from “reframing”? I’m sure not.
But I believe in energy, and I know that the energy of ease and relaxation and peace and trust is a much more welcome environment for a new baby to come into than one of white knuckled pursuit, laden with stress and fear and box-checky b/c the app told me to vibes.
Tell me below – how do you think reframing your mindset around conception will serve you as you continue on your fertility journey?
Yours In Abundant Health & Love
Xoxo,
Emily 😊
