In my own personal experience, the act of trusting – trusting myself, my body, my heart’s wisdom, my truth, my process, my unfolding, my becoming – this has been the greatest lesson to me, and one that has taken the longest to integrate.
Anyone out there reading this who has also had a death grip on the handlebars of control?
It’s exhausting to live like that.
Every bite of food
Every sip of water (with added minerals, of course!)
Every check off the to do list of wellness shit I have to do to during the day to “be optimally well”
(… and if I miss a day well then omg I backtracked, I’m letting myself GO, I must not be committed fully to my healing, and this must mean I’m not optimally well and everything is a disaster now!)
Every supplement
Every red light session
Every sauna / colonic / lymphatic drainage / coffee enema
Every podcast teaching me about yet another way to heal my body
For me, there was way too much outside input from all the places and faces and voices in the wellness corners of the internet, and so not enough listening and tuning into what felt best for ME.
Trusting ourselves … what does this even mean? What does it look like? How does it FEEL?
I didn’t honestly know for the longest time.
In a way I was so scared to fully trust myself for fear of getting it “wrong”.
Or fear of missing something.
Or fear of not getting to where I wanted to be fast enough.
Or fear of skipping a crucial step that would no doubt derail the entire process if I missed it.
Fear of not knowing ENOUGH.
Fear of disappointing (myself).
Fear of screwing up somehow (what?).
Can you see a pattern hear? Fear. Fear. FEAR.
Beneath all of my white knuckling control death grip was actually fear.
A deeply rooted fear that I could not possibly know how to actually do this. How to actually heal.
And then one day I just decided to get quiet.
I decided to do this radical thing called sitting my ass down, getting quiet, putting one hand on my heart and the other on my womb, and just BEING.
Being with whatever was there. Whatever wanted to come up. Whatever needed to be heard.
And in that stillness, in that quiet, in that simple being with myself and my body and my heart, I heard it.
I HEARD THE VOICE THAT IS WITHIN ALL OF US, THAT IS ALWAYS SPEAKING TO US WHEN WE GIVE IT THE TIME AND SPACE TO BE HEARD
The one that lets us know we are on the right (or wrong) path.
The one that tells us we should break up with that guy we’re not sure there’s a future with.
The one that tells us not to go down that dark alley alone.
The one that tells us to take a step back from that friendship because its zapping our energy in all the wrong ways.
The one that tells us to call the friend for no reason because she has been on our mind.
The one that knows the truth, even when our minds can’t fully access it.
This is our intuition, our inner knowing, our inner guidance, our 6th sense, whatever you want to call it –
IT'S THE WISDOM WITHIN US THAT GUIDES US ALWAYS, THAT IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE TO US WHEN AND IF WE CHOOSE TO LISTEN TO IT.
Fear is LOUD. Intuition is subtle.
And so many of us, myself included, have squashed that voice for so long, or simply chosen not to hear it, or worse – been convinced that that voice and inner knowing can’t possibly know better than the “experts” and anyone with a platform or a podcast or a book or letters behind their name or more than 2k followers.
Spoiler alert – it CAN. And it DOES.
Trusting the process looks a little bit like this:::
We have good days and some not so good days, and it’s okay.
We still have symptoms, and it’s okay.
We opt for the kettle chips instead of the cheese and crackers, and its okay.
We feel guilt for some of the choices we make, and it’s okay.
We feel frustrated and annoyed with our progress, and it’s still okay.
We feel frustrated and annoyed with what we think might be a lack of progress, but it’s okay.
We have a glass of wine with the girls on a Thursday night, and it’s okay.
We still aren’t pregnant yet, and it’s okay.
We still have somewhat unpredictable ovulatory patterns, and it’s okay.
We haven’t lost the stubborn weight we’ve been holding onto for 10 years, and it’s okay.
We’re just really craving a Dilly Bar, and it’s okay.
We just want to watch the movie in bed, blue light and screens and stimulation and all – and it’s okay.
We feel like we aren’t exactly where we want to be – physically, emotionally, spiritually, and it’s okay.
You get the gist.
We are MEANT to experience all of this: the good, the great, the bad, the REALLY bad, the uncomfortable, the irritating, the heartbreaking, the challenging, the infuriating – for these are all part of a healing journey.
“My healing journey is a perfect up-and-up trajectory with absolutely no setbacks, moments of weakness and pure unadulterated frustration”
SAID NO ONE ON A HEALING JOURNEY EVER.
What if we trusted the symptoms.
The big emotions.
The cravings.
The weight gain.
The skin breakouts.
The hard periods.
The anovulatory cycles.
The moods.
The outlooks.
The low energy.
The non-existent libido.
The literal clamping down of our body and heart and being.
The day by day play by play of our lives…
?
What if we just trusted the process, the WHOLE process, which isn’t always pretty and sexy?
What if we got quiet once in awhile, checked into our heart, our gut, our inner knowing, and just simply asked ourselves –
“Can I be with you? Without trying to change anything about this day, moment, circumstance, situation? Can I simply be? Without trying to make anything better? Can I just listen to you, observe how you are feeling, and give you the space to speak?”
It takes some time to stretch these intuitive listening muscles, especially if you (like me) have suppressed them for years and years, in favor of the voices of evvverrrryonnnee else outside of you.
Trust your healing process. It’s going to look different than mine, than the next gals and the next gals. It’s going to be messy and beautiful. It’s not going to be linear. It’s not always going to look like what you thought it was going to look like. But it’s perfect, because it’s YOURS.
Control less, trust more, lean into the voice in your heart that knows it is right exactly where it needs to be.
Tell me below -- how often do you check in with your intuition? Are you fully trusting your healing process? Why or why not?
Yours In Abundant Health & Love
Xoxo,
Emily 😊
